Mar 15


Why is it so hard?

by Terry 15 March 2006


In a group discussion this morning, a male acquaintance was bemoaning the difficulty of discerning signals from women in the workplace, whether flirting and sexual innuendo/humor is acceptable around them. No one commented on his question and even I found myself giving him the “deaf smile,” same as I do when someone speaks to me without looking at me or in a noisy room, and I don’t want to ask someone to repeat themselves. It’s a habit I developed to not stall out conversation just because I can’t understand it. So why did I use my old stand-by response on something I have opinions on?

I wanted to say, why do you need to read signals? Can’t you assume that in a place of work flirting and sexual jokes are always inappropriate? Why would it be ok with some women but not with others? Would it be ok to make a sexual joke to a waitress but not to an executive? Acceptable to try to flirt with a secretary but not with your boss?

This isn’t a bar or a party–this is a place of business where women and men come together as people first, genders second, an environment which should be free from harassment for everyone. Is it so hard to accept that you need to behave professionally? (I’m not saying don’t get involved with someone you work with; that’s your own business and none of my concern.) This type of thinking implies that if a woman is subjected to sexual attention in the form of flirting or innuendo, she is somehow responsible for sending the “wrong signals.” It’s framed as Freud’s old question, “What do women want,” to which men supposedly can never know the answer.

Yet I was unable to say any of this. I just did the deaf smile and let it pass.

I came of age in a time when women just shut up and took it, whether jokes or innuendo or overt sexual pressure. A lot of us didn’t even think of it as a crime; it’s just the way it was. 25 years later it should be different. But is it?

Why do I have no problem expressing disapproval of those who make ethnic jokes, but find it so difficult to verbally confront belittling attitudes about women? For me it’s far easier to defend someone else than to defend myself. I’m a woman–I take comments about women personally. Yet I don’t speak up the way I would like to. I just pretend I’m not there and let it pass. I’ll publicly take umbrage with dissenting political opinions, defending my general political beliefs easily yet turn aside from those that affect me personally. Am I socialized to make nice if the subject is personal? Why do I bow out on the subjects that matter most to me?

In a way I’m stuck in the 70s, shutting up and taking it. I need to find a way to be more assertive. Letting it pass may be more comfortable socially, but it eats at me for days, leaving me feeling powerless.

I am not powerless. I can speak up. I just have to learn how.

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8 Comments

8 Responses to “Why is it so hard?”

  1. Tish G on March 16th, 2006 2:19 pm

    I understand your feelings, Terry.

    I’ve actually opened my mouth on the subject in mixed company and found myself in a very unenviable position. When it’s all women, we can sit around and kvetch and support each other. But when it’s mixed company, we sense danger, or at least disapproval, and it’s darned hard to get past that feeling to open one’s mouth.

    To paraphrase Freud, we want to be alone, to have our own opnions, but we also want to be part of the group. That’s why we self-censor. You’re definitely not alone :-)  (Quote)

  2. Terry on March 16th, 2006 3:15 pm

    You nailed it, Tish — that sneaking feeling of danger, of being all alone. It seems like issues we should have settled in the 70s keep coming back in different forms – next time I’m determined to not let it pass. My self-respect demands it.

    Thanks for your support.  (Quote)

  3. Burrow on March 17th, 2006 8:35 pm

    Or of possibly being attacked, which is how I feel. OD I spend energy fighting with you about this, or shrug it off and walk away? It’s a hard line to walk.  (Quote)

  4. I See Invisible People » Carnival of Feminists XI on March 22nd, 2006 8:54 am
  5. thebewilderness on March 22nd, 2006 1:36 pm

    Because I believe that failure to object is acquiescence I have considered this question for years. Sometimes there is nothing appropriate to say given the circumstances. Whatever you said that started with why would be heard as criticism.
    Instead it is necessary to frame your response in such a way that the group can talk about it in a general way. If you start by asking what signals that person gives to indicate his available/nonavailable status, I think you will end up in a discussion about professional behavior at work without feeling like you are giving a bad boy lecture.
    I have a well earned reputation for taking umbrage and it has not been easy to learn how to do it without “Listen Asshat” being the first words out of my mouth. The reason they teach us to start a question with what, how, and where instead of why is because it works. The other thing, I think, is that we feel free to defend against jerks when their behavior is generally accepted as jerktitude. The patriarchy has not nor ever will consider treating women as objects of servitude a problem.  (Quote)

  6. kristy on March 23rd, 2006 5:13 pm

    I have the same problem, can speak about sexuality issues such as using the term ‘gay’ as an insult and also speak up about ethnic issues but not womens issues.

    For me, I think its part of a self protection thing. I have spoken up in the past and it seems to be used against me.  (Quote)

  7. sparkane on March 28th, 2006 8:34 pm

    I first want to preface my comment with an observation, that although your post seems prompted by a specific type of belittling comment, your intention to speak up in the future seems aimed at the whole genus (or is it species?) of belittling comments. I bring this up because you say “I can speak up, I just have to learn how”, but I think how one speaks up, for something that sensitive, would really be guided by the type of comment.

    I have a question, for you or others who care to answer. I would have thought that one could always feel, perhaps not comfortable, but at least safe, in addressing at least certain kinds of comments along the lines of “I’m sorry, please don’t make those comments around me.” Is that how you handle ethnic jokes that you find offensive? Perhaps that kind of approach would not be satisfying – moving the drug dealers out of your neighborhood, but then they just go to another. And yet maybe, for some types of comments, that is the best approach?

    Beyond that question I have some suggestions. Please excuse me, but I’m not an expert in these things. I’m really just thinking of things I might do if I were in your shoes.

    Please forgive me if any of this seems so obvious as to be patronizing.

    Something I would do in your place would be to “case the joint” – I mean your fellow employees, sound the waters, see who among them feels the same way, about specific people or previous comments. Both men and women. In particular I’d go to my supervisor and see how he or she would react to being told you might be the source of some friction. If you can get someone of authority in your corner, that could be a real courage booster.

    Another thing I would do in your place is consider the possibility of starting some kind of campaign with your human resources department, without naming names, that you are getting fed up with some of the comments you are hearing and you would really appreciate it if some kind of statement about appropriate behavior could be issued to employees. You don’t have to name the people making the comments, which saves them the humiliation (even though they may deserve it), and may save you some collateral trouble. Further, I’m thinking that if you have some kind of HR department policy behind you, that may take some of the edge off a direct confrontation.

    It occurs to me that you should check what your HR department already says about off-color comments in your workplace. I think they would probably have a policy on that. Perhaps they would be much more willing to issue a statement for a policy that already exists. In all this of course I’m assuming your company is big enough to have an HR dept.

    Another idea that occurs to me is if you were to get several women to approach the HR department with you, or someone else in authority. That would distribute the attention some, and it wouldn’t be just you in the spotlight. I’m thinking of a kind of Women’s Union Against Sexist Comments.

    Now this may sound a little strange, but if you really plan on doing some kind of direct confrontation, I would think about how I could make the maker of a sexist comment feel like I am on their side. I know that sounds weird, when likely what your emotions would have you do is the whole “Listen Asshat” thing. But in a way I think a turned sexist-comment-maker may be a better friend than another employee who promises to stand by you when push comes to shove (at least in your presence or that of other women in your company). The only way that occurs to me to “make them feel like you’re on their side”, might be to recast the situation of the comment, for example, if it were said around the man’s daughter. Mr, would you want boys saying that kind of thing around your daughter? I’m no expert here, but I have a hunch that might be effective. Even with men who don’t have daughters, though I think they might have to be parents.

    In the same vein, if you can find a humorous way to lance a sexist comment, that might make for a better appearance to others in the workplace. Humor, too, might not seem an obvious solution to something that’s insulting, but that’s what comedians tend to do as children. Not everyone’s a comedian though.

    Anyway, I hope you find this helpful. Even if you don’t think any of this would work, maybe it will spark some idea that you think would. In all of this I would say be patient with yourself. Sooner or later you will take the plunge, but I can see how it would be a scary thing, and the best way, for me, to confront a scary thing is to try to prepare. If you are scared and you try something before you are really confident about it, you may find that more discouraging than if you hadn’t done anything. I don’t mean to discourage, though. I almost always feel that there’s a diplomatic way to do things, even against something as ugly as sexism.

    Lastly I want to mention that I’m sure there are men who, like you, aren’t comfortable with sexist comments, and would like to say something to the commenter, but can’t do it either. Probably not as many as the women, alas. But there might be some.  (Quote)

  8. Dorothy on November 20th, 2006 5:05 pm

    I have been experiencing some sexist issues in the office which I work in. I have done the “case the joint” option and have discovered that there are extreme varying opinions about what sexist behaviour is. There are surprisingly a lot of people both men and women who appear to be enablers when it comes to sexism and womens rights. They surprisingly excuse some of the sexism if the male doing the behaviour is old and lonely for example.

    There is a young male who has won a competition in our office as “Team Leader” which is the latest name
    for “Supervisor”. He makes demeaning comments about women. I don’t think he realizes that his comments are offensive. I think surprisingly enough in this moder age, there is still much confusion about equality and rights when it comes to gender sexist attitutes.

    My point is that I too, surprisingly enough, have found this issue difficult to decide how to deal with and even whether or not to deal with it due to the
    negative reaction that I fear may result in me doing so. Silence is the safe option.

    Strange and sad ….how this is still such a difficult issue.

    I have not given up though, I do not plan to accept these behaviours but am still wondering how to deal with them most effectively.  (Quote)

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