The return of the competition post

I’ve got a weakness for the underdog. That’s why I pulled for the Cleveland Cavaliers against the Detroit Pistons, the Dallas Mavericks against the San Antonio Spurs, and the Phoenix Suns against the Los Angeles Clippers. David vs. Goliath brings out my competitive spirit and I want to see the little guy win. As a 5’1″ guard, I saw myself as an underdog in every game and it drove me to play the best I possibly could. I thrived on it.

But I’m not so comfortable with competition off the court. Head to head brings out the fatalist in me, making it very hard for me to fight for what I want. I go to great lengths to avoid it.

Competition in the social arena is wrapped up in ideas of loyalty. When I was younger, if a guy who interested me attracted the attention of one of my friends, I immediately bowed out. My discomfort with competition cost me several chances at relationships. Ironically, my friends didn’t see it the same way and couldn’t understand my reluctance. It took little time for them to accept it, however, and begin to take it for granted.

In college, I wanted to become involved with drama, but there were auditions involved and my fatalism took over. If anyone else was up for a part, my fear of competition kicked in and translated to a loss of confidence, becoming a self-filling prophecy. After a couple of aborted attempts, I settled for playing in the orchestra.

I have the same trouble with work. I tend to under-bid contracts for less than the work involved because I have trouble believing I’d win on a level playing field. I charge half what the local repair shops do and I make house calls. Then, even at my lower rates, they try to talk me down further. By undervaluing myself, clients think that’s all I’m worth, leading to second guessing and countless petty changes for which I should be charging them. It’s the worst with friends because I feel that by charging market rates I’m taking advantage of the relationship and that I should be grateful for getting the job at all. I end up feeling resentful, which is bad for both me and them. (note to self: write a post about the traps of gratitude.)

Ironically, competing doesn’t bother me with my writing, which is one of the most competitive fields out there. I can enter contests and make submissions with no ego trouble. I think it may be a case of being more comfortable competing with myself or with unknown, faceless “others” than with people I can picture. It’s safe to me.

Interestingly, I have far less trouble competing with men than with women. It’s that loyalty issue rearing its head again, I suspect, that makes me feel like a traitor for working against a sister. We’re socialized to believe we should be cooperative rather than competitive with each other, that by winning we make someone else lose. Most of us know what losing feels like and over-empathize rather than focus on the goal. If we do win, we feel guilty, sucking away the feeling of success. In my case, I think this is why I settle for under-bidding contracts. Not being paid what I’m worth seems to pay the price I owe for competing.

I suspect this is more of a problem for women of my generation than for men. In general they seem better able to separate business competition from their egos and to stay impersonal about it. They don’t see going head to head as a betrayal of the social contract. They win, they lose, they go on to the next battle with less impact on their self-image, I think. Or perhaps they’re better at hiding it than I am.

How do you establish your own value? How do you stand up for what you want in the face of competition? How can I get back the comfort I had with competition in sports and translate it to other parts of my life? I want to be that person again. I’m tired of being an underdog. People might cheer underdogs from a distance, but they don’t respect them.

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