Aug 29


Addiction

by Terry 29 August 2006


I’ve been smoking since I was 13 years old. That’s 33 years. Originally I did it to look tough–not cool or sexy as the anti-tobacco commericals focus on–and it worked. A lit cigarette was a weapon and that was a good thing in some of the places I hung out. But I quickly found that smoking soothed my raw nerves, taking the edge off the depression that haunted me and buffering the anxiety that came between the down times. It made me feel better. In the back of my mind, I knew it was self-destructive, but so was most everything I did back then. What was one more? My shrink would say I was self-medicating, and he’d be right.

Two years ago, I quit. I got pneumonia and was in bed for a week; by the time I was up and around again, the urge to smoke was gone. I’d made it 8 months when Serzone was pulled off the market and I was thrown into withdrawal. I went thoroughly and completely manic, banging off the walls, furious at the drop of a word, scratching my arms and legs until they bled so badly that it left scars, feeling overrun by complusions I couldn’t control. In my lucid moments, I felt my mind slipping away from me and feared I was going permanently mad. None of the drugs my GP gave me–Rispirdal, Effexor, Xanax, Klonopin, Buspar–helped. So I bought a pack of cigarettes.

That first cigarette choked me. I felt as if I were going to throw up. But within minutes, the calm came; my hands stopped shaking and the terror abated. The peace only lasted about an hour, so I lit up another. And another. Within a week, I was hooked again.

I told myself it was just until my meds were straightened out, that once I was stable I wouldn’t need it anymore. Of course, it didn’t work out that way. I’m still smoking. Every single day I tell myself I’ll quit as soon as I finish this carton. I remind myself that there are people who care about me who worry and want me to live a long and healthy life. I feel guilty about that, but I still buy some more.

Part of it is that I fear being crazy again. Smoking made the clouds lift when I needed it the most and I haven’t been able to break that mental connection. Sounds like I’m making excuses, doesn’t it? I guess I am.

I’m thinking of all this today because of a piece I read on How Stuff Works about nicotine.

Stimulation of cholinergic neurons promotes the release of the neurotransmitter dopamine in the reward pathways of your brain. This neural circuitry is supposed to reinforce behaviors that are essential to your survival, like eating when you’re hungry. Stimulating neurons in these areas of the brain brings on pleasant, happy feelings that encourage you to do these things again and again. When drugs like cocaine or nicotine activate the reward pathways, it reinforces your desire to use them again because you feel so at peace and happy afterwards.

This makes a lot of sense to me, and explains why it’s so hard for me to quit. Maybe one of these days I’ll tackle it with a daily countdown the way I have my diet. Right now, I’m just trying to understand it. For me, that’s the first step.

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10 Comments

10 Responses to “Addiction”

  1. T.G. Scott on August 29th, 2006 8:49 am

    Please, please, please don’t give up trying to quit smoking. If you beat this addiction it could save you from heart disease, cancer and/or emphysema. All are horrible ways to die. I do understand that it’s a really tough thing to conquer, but people do. Keep up the good fight.  (Quote)

  2. Lynn on August 29th, 2006 3:57 pm

    Hugs, Terry. I know it must be hard, but I think T.G. is right. You have to keep trying. Are there any other drugs that stimulate dopamine in the same way the nicotine does?

    I’ve been watching your diet counter, btw. WTG on the pounds! That’s no small acheivement. :)  (Quote)

  3. Terry on August 29th, 2006 7:16 pm

    Thanks, TG and Lynn. I’m just thinking aloud here and starting to work up the courage to try it again. It seems I process everything by talking it out here first.

    Lynn, my Geodon works on dopamine, as do some other psych meds. I know some doctors prescribe Wellbutrin (I think it is) to help in quitting but because of my other meds I can’t take it. I just need to convince myself I won’t fall apart without the cigarettes. I handled the physical stuff just fine before, aside from gaining weight. It’s the mental stuff that scares me.  (Quote)

  4. Lisa on August 31st, 2006 11:38 am

    I Understand. My lands this post strikes home. It seems a rip off to try and type it in text given how raw and intensely I live this battle from day to day, and what I know you must be enduring too from what you’ve written.

    It used to be nicotine for me also but with help from places higher than my own understanding I was able to put those down. I say it like this because it certainly wasn’t because I’m able or strong. I’ve never been able or strong. It took a couple years. Some people will tell you you can do it in a matter of weeks or months. I’m seriously skeptical of those people. I don’t think they’re putting the cigarettes away as much as substituting something else for them. I don’t know. I haven’t smoked for going on seven years and I could pick them right up again today.

    These days for me it’s the fork, and thus far the fork is winning and has taken the place of the nicotine. It’s a battle I haven’t even begun to conquer even though I begin anew every single morning.

    It’s the mental stuff that scares me, too. What will I do with myself when I put down my crutches and there’s nothing left to lean on? What will hold me up? Will the things I’ve been holding off all these years rush in and break me? Sometimes it feels just like that.  (Quote)

  5. Terry on September 1st, 2006 10:48 am

    I know exactly what you mean about fearing you’ll fall over without the crutches. That’s exactly how I feel. Some day you’ll get there – we both will.  (Quote)

  6. Nicole on September 2nd, 2006 3:46 pm

    I go through my daily life feeling guilty everytime I smoke. So, I can relate all too well with what you are going through. Let me say this as well, I am an addict from not just nicotine. I have been straight for 2 years now and I rate nicotine as the number 1 addiction hardest to overcome! Hang in there! I will too!  (Quote)

  7. Terry on September 3rd, 2006 9:40 am

    Good for you on beating your other addiction, Natalie. It’s a tough row and I’m glad you made it to the other side. Thanks for sharing your story.

    We’ll make it on the nicotine addiction too. It just might take a little time.  (Quote)

  8. Angela on September 26th, 2006 4:58 pm

    I too smoked, and when I quit that’s when the downslide began, very much like yours.

    And the bipolar diagnosis. For me, all the medication and therapy my providers have managed in nine months has not been able to replicate the level of mood regulation that my unknowing self medication has. Only my husband’s support has kept me from going back to the cigarettes. I can’t help but think death from lung cancer, even having watched my aunt die this way at 56, wouldn’t be better than being this screwed up and unable to work or function.  (Quote)

  9. Terry on September 26th, 2006 6:34 pm

    Welcome, Angela, and thank you for sharing your story. The reason we self-medicate is because it works. Congrats on managing to stay off the cigarettes. Bipolar is a tough row, but if we stay with it, we can beat it. I hope you get some relief soon.  (Quote)

  10. I See Invisible People » 100 Days on August 29th, 2007 10:40 am

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