Jumping off the cliff
National Novel Writing Month begins on Wednesday. For those unfamiliar with it, the goal is to write the complete first draft of a novel, 50,000 words or more, between November 1 and November 30. I’ve been thinking about it all of October, wondering if this is the time to screw up my courage and learn to write again. I think it is.
I used to be a fairly prolific writer. I have 3 complete 120,000 word manuscripts (the last of which really hasn’t even been submitted) and 2 half-finished ones. I used to be able to ride the waves of my cycles, pouring out 10 pages on a high day and still banging out 4 pages of self-pity on the depressed ones. But I began to fear the magic of fiction and started to believe that by writing bad things I would call them into being. In some ways, that fear was legitimate. I over-empathized with my characters until my moods echoed theirs, coloring everything I felt and did. If they were in turmoil, so was I. I lost track of the boundaries between what happened inside my head and the real word. I was hell to be around, but it let me make sense of my inner chaos. It helped me cope.
Then I got medicated, first with antidepressants 8 years ago, and more recently with anti-cycling agents. In a lot of ways the quality of my life improved, but the writing, with the exception of poetry, stopped. The ideas refused to come; there was less adrenaline to send my brain racing through possibilities and my mode of thinking became very concrete. I seldom dream now even when asleep, let alone when I’m awake, and without dreams, it’s hard to become someone else and live through them. It’s difficult to create a world and live inside it enough to make it real on paper when I can’t step over the line into my imagination. I’ve gotten to where I’m afraid to try — I’ve failed too many times over the last years. The confidence I once had is gone.
So I’m looking at November 1st and screwing up my courage. But for this to work for me, I’ve got to define my own goals in a way that I can achieve. Even in full-blown mania I couldn’t do 50,000 words in a month. So my aim is a lot more modest. I’m going to try to write 4 pages a day, 5 days a week for 30 days. If I can do that, I think I can break this pattern of avoidance and fear and learn to write again.
I have to prove to myself that I can be both stable and a writer. That’s what I want to accomplish this month.
October 30th, 2006 at 6:57 pm
Well, I understand your concern. My first year of my disease I was on 100 mg of prednisone for several months. When I was weaned down to 60 mg., my brain was misfiring. For every fiction story (TV or book)I read or saw, I became the main character.
Finally my husband told me that I could not read or see any fiction for awhile. When I was weaned to about 30 mg… the hallucinations went away.
If you are doing well with your medication then go for it.
I am not doing the writing challenge, but I am still writing a novel during November. It will probably take me from Nov-Dec.
October 31st, 2006 at 3:24 am
I’m doing the National Blog Posting Month proposed by “Fussy” (see the Yoda seal on my blog) where participants have to write one post per day for the month of November. Truthfully, that’s challenge enough for this woman.
If you reach your intended goal, you’re my hero.
As for NaNoWriMo, I can’t even fathom writing a whole novel from scratch in one month. There’s got to be some cheating going on, surely. Even the big dogs admit to taking three to five months to crank out anything worth publishing, and most say at least a year. At least. I wonder who thought up such a sadistic idea?
October 31st, 2006 at 5:27 am
Good luck with the writing! Your goal sounds like a reasonable one, and I hope you achieve it.
You may remember from previous posts that I personally think the NaNoWriMo idea as it’s normally set out is foolish, but taking the basic intent and making it a more reasonable goal sounds far more sensible to me.
October 31st, 2006 at 11:24 am
I was toying with the idea a little bit myself. I have about 40 pages of something that I was really doing well on a while ago and then just out down. I think it may be getting to be time to pick it back up. I also have a children’s book written and I really need to do something with it. Blah. Best of luck with your writing. I’m sure it will be wonderful.
October 31st, 2006 at 12:34 pm
I do wish they’d pick a different month now and then. November is a terrible month for me, and I’d so love to join in…. I hope you have fun!
October 31st, 2006 at 7:44 pm
That’s very much like what I experienced, Cyn. Thanks for sharing.
October 31st, 2006 at 7:49 pm
I wondered what your Yoda was, Lisa! Very cool. I know some people can do it in a month, but the least amount of time it’s taken me to do a novel (since none sold, they obviously weren’t good enough) was 4 months, and I was manic most of that time. I just don’t have that kind of speed in me,but I admire those who do.
October 31st, 2006 at 7:54 pm
Steve, what you wrote about it a couple of years ago was at the front of my mind as I was thinking about doing this and I respect your opinion a lot. Thanks for the encouragement.
October 31st, 2006 at 7:55 pm
Go for it, Natalie!
October 31st, 2006 at 7:56 pm
I’m really looking forward to it, A, even if I am a little intimidated by the idea. Nov. is a tough month for me, too, specially since I’m going to be out of town this weekend. Maybe we should do it again in February?
November 1st, 2006 at 10:46 am
Terry, don’t hold back if you feel the urge to write. I’m a frustrated writer myself. I could get tons of material produced, but I’d always flake out during the editing and rewriting phase. I’m just not into novels. I did sit down and write in a journal the other night things I want to accomplish in my lifetime and publishing a book was one of them. If it’s supposed to happen, it will.