Time to act my age?
Where do we draw the line between being child-like and childish, between being young at heart and chasing after a youth that’s long past? When is it time to start “acting my age?”
Those are questions that are heavy on my mind these days. In three weeks, my oldest daughter is getting married. In a few years, I could be a grandmother. Yet I still keep my hair in a ponytail, wear whimsical underwear aimed at preteens and only put on shoes to go to the grocery store. My favorite shirt is a tie-dyed creation I bought at the second-hand store a dozen years ago and I listen to the same music I did when I was fourteen. My character socks come from the children’s department. I play in the snow and wrestle with my dog and eat bologna sandwiches for lunch. I cling to a 20-year-old leather bomber jacket with a ripped lining and frayed cuffs instead of buying a respectable wool coat. I have rings in my bellybutton and eyebrow. I make up stories and write them down and dream of getting paid for them someday.
In most of my life I’m a responsible adult. I work (admittedly at something I love), I raise my kids to the best of my ability, I get the oil changed in my car every 3,000 miles. Yet I hang onto these little pieces of childhood. I was never a kid when I was a kid, so maybe I’m making up for it now in these ways. But staring into the jaws of a new year, I’m becoming self-conscious about it.
When is it time to put these things away?
Where does the line fall between eccentric and pathetic?
Most importantly, am I able to tell the difference?
(Looking at it spelled out like this, I think I’ve got my answer.)
December 30th, 2006 at 2:28 pm
I think - and I think St Paul, who made a noise about putting away childish things, would back me up on this - that acting your age constitutes getting beyond the immature attitudes we start out with. It does not mean you have to give up Looney Tunes or running around barefoot. I still have records I bought when I was 12.
December 31st, 2006 at 10:53 am
Thanks, CG. I like to think that my attitudes, at least, have matured.
December 31st, 2006 at 2:01 pm
Thinking about answering this question, it strikes me that my own answers have as much to do with class as with age: “permissible” stylistic ranges for different ages really vary by socio-economic status.
I am of two minds: I take myself seriously enough to want to be status-appropriate in my appearance, at least in professional situations, and I find myself bristling at people who do not; on the other hand, I really respect people who are willing to say “damn the standards, this is what I like” without being aggressively counter-cultural.
And it’s attitudes and behavior that matter more than any physical or sartorial details.
January 1st, 2007 at 8:26 am
Ummm… I think it is destructive when a mother tries to compete with her children. I had a mother like that. It is childish and does destroy the relationship.
However, it is more about what you do instead of what you wear… I do have a problem with women who are in their 40’s and who dress like Brittany.
January 1st, 2007 at 8:54 am
This is an interesting question, Terry. I’ve thought of this myself as I age. The infamous “they” say that long hair on an older woman is a no-no. I have had hair that hangs almost to my hiney since I was in my 20s. I’m not quite 40, but I wonder “when” I’ll have to cut my hair. And then I think, “Damn, I don’t look good with short hair — why should I have to cut it?”
I think we have to do what feels right for us. I think about skirt lengths, hair, clothes, etc, much more now than I used to. I remember when the image of a grandma was grey hair, bun, rocker and knitting. I think women are busting that one all to hell and I say more power to them.
I once talked with a psychologist friend who told me about parentified children. It sounds as if you were one. I was too. We were forced to take care of ourselves from an early age because our parents were absent or occupied or whatever. We learned we couldn’t depend upon adults to take care of our emotional needs, so we became self-reliant. And it affects our choices now. You might be right about needing these things because you didn’t have a childhood. I think knowing where it comes from and accepting it is all you are required to do. Don’t change to please some image “they” say is the proper one for you.
I think Cyn has a valid point about mothers competing with their children, but I don’t think that’s what you’re doing. I think of that as more of an in-your-face kind of action, of putting the children’s needs and accomplishments below your own. Just because you have kids, though, doesn’t mean you have to give up your individuality.
You are an intelligent, articulate woman. Embrace your eccentricities, continue to grow as a person, and don’t sweat the small stuff.
Just my very opinionated opinion.
Love ya! And Happy New Year!
January 1st, 2007 at 11:13 am
Oh Terry.. I didn’t mean that your were competing with your children… But I have a mother who is a competer… She would be pleased when someone would mistake her as my older sister. It caused some real problems.
I don’t believe you are doing that with your stuff…
I just wanted to note that when a woman starts to compete with her children that she is being childish. I actually look at my behavior in that light.
January 1st, 2007 at 11:14 am
A, I think you’ve really hit on something here. For me it’s definitely a class issue, one I’ve never been able to put behind me. Dressing middle class makes me feel like an impostor. I need to give this a lot more thought.
I’m lucky that I’m able to work from home, in a field where eccentricity is not only tolerated but pretty much expected. I’d be in a very difficult place if the situation were different.
January 1st, 2007 at 11:22 am
That must have been very difficult for you, Cyn. I’m so sorry you had to go through that. If someone mistook me for one of my daughters, I’d laugh at them - they’d obviously be full of something. Youth is definitely not one of my issues.
My kids are front and center in my life - nothing comes before giving them what they need. This is their time, as it should be. Mostly they find me amusing.
But you’re very right - it’s something I need to be aware of and do some self-analysis on. I don’t want to stray into that territory.
January 1st, 2007 at 11:42 am
Aw, thanks Lynn. It was actually cutting my hair that brought these deep thoughts on. In the last year and a half, I’ve cut 8 inches off (a couple of inches at a time) until it’s up to my shoulders now, something my mother has been urging since I turned 30. It’s changed my image of myself more than I expected. It made me wonder how many other things about me are inappropriate. But I’ve decided to let it grow again, age be damned.
I’d say my wardrobe is more “impoverished college student” than sexpot, so skirt lengths, etc are not an issue. I’m pretty much jeans, t-shirts and sweatshirts, most of which come from the secondhand store, though I did splurge and buy 2 new pairs of jeans and a sweater when I lost 25 lbs. Buying clothes for the kids was always more important than buying them for myself. As they’ve gotten older, I’ve never gotten out of the habit, though I will pick up something from the clearance rack once in a while now.
You’re so right about never having been a kid. I worked full time from 13 on. That’s probably why I delight in goofy stuff like flamingo socks and underwear with polar bears on them now. I figure no one sees them but me, so why not? Maybe it’s ok to be eccentric in those things.
January 1st, 2007 at 2:16 pm
I think it would be wonderful to have a grandmother like you.
I think the proof of your mothering is in the wonderful children you’ve raised.
January 1st, 2007 at 7:55 pm
I will always act whatever age I feel at the moment, and that’s highly variable. I just got an eyebrow piercing. My daughter was mortified because she longs for a “normal” family. She’ll cope, and may even come to appreciate a bit of zaniness that is home once she’s our on her own surrounded by people doing the right things in the right ways.
I agree age-appropriate behaviour is tied to class. I fit best with working class folk, but work with middle class types who have given up trying to make me fit the status quo. Fuck the status quo. I’m marching to my own drummer. I still wear the leather jacket I bought in high school, even with my little black dress at the staff Christmas party. Very cool.
I wrote a bit more about age and behaviour a while back here.
January 1st, 2007 at 8:20 pm
Thanks so much, Poet. You’re very kind. My kids are the one thing in my life that I’m truly proud of, even though it’s their own natures more than anything I did.
My own grandmother painted the insides of all her cabinets red. I’d like to be like that.
January 1st, 2007 at 8:41 pm
Congrats on the eyebrow piercing, Sage - I hope you’ll post a pic! I offered to take mine out for my daughter’s wedding, but she just laughed and said of course not. She’s a little left of center, like me. It does embarrass my 20-year-old, though she’s slowly getting used to it. She’s the conventional one in the family. My 16-year-old son wants one just like it.
Thanks so much for posting the link to your piece. I just reread it and it’s as good as I remember. I hope everyone will go read it.
I wear my leather jacket with everything, too, even with a dress to church on Christmas Eve. It’s the only one I own, and the only one I want. I’m not up to a bikini on the beach, though.
January 3rd, 2007 at 5:58 pm
Here I’ve always looked forward to getting old so that my wierdness would become respectable eccentricity.
January 4th, 2007 at 7:56 am
Welcome HLGEM and thanks for commenting! Me, too. It’s just those years in the middle that are a problem.
January 6th, 2007 at 5:01 am
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