Dianne Sylvan of Dancing Down the Moon relates a story about standing in line at a coffeeshop behind a pretentiously dressed, thin, blond woman who is having a hard time making up her mind what to order.

The woman is now weighing the pros and cons of having skim milk versus two percent milk in her latte, and she says, “God, I don’t know, I just feel so, like, fat today. I feel like such a big fat cow.”

Then she turns to me, and she says, GET THIS, “How do you stand it every day?”

I blink.

The adorable pierced-and-tattooed boy en flambe blinks.

Several heads in the cafe pop up because nobody can believe this woman actually said this to a total stranger. I feel as if the sitcom camera is pulling in tight for a closeup on my reaction.

But the gods of snark are smiling upon me today. I reply, straightfaced, “You know, it’s normally not too bad, but today I’m having one of those days where I feel like a shallow dumb bitch. How do you stand it every day?”

She’s my hero.

GA Republican Jack Kingston bashes Barack Obama for not wearing a flag lapel pin without remembering to wear one himself.

I don’t know if they will for me, but it’s looking up.

27 years ago I ran out of money and quit college with 6 hours remaining to be completed on my degree. Or at least that’s the story I’ve always told everyone. Yes, tuition tripled but there was a chance I could have gone one more year working 3 jobs to see it through. But truth is that I had an extended manic episode where I did a lot of self-destructive things and burned a lot of bridges, as we so often do during those times. When the mania finally broke, so did I, and was left with hundreds of little shards of myself to gather up and try to glue back together. I didn’t have the courage or the energy to go back to school, and by the time I did, I was pregnant and beginning a new life somewhere else. The time had passed.

Now, every time I fill out a census or survey and have to check “High School diploma only” I feel lousy and unqualified for anything. My career, if you could call it that, is strictly self-taught and every day I’m scrambling trying to keep up with and compete against kids half my age, all of whom have college degrees in hand. I’ve got a great portfolio, but without a degree in something–anything–you can’t get a foot in the door most places. I worry about that a lot. If I lost my current job, I could go to work for McDonalds or Wal-Mart. That’s about it.

A couple of times in the last 20 years I’ve looking into going back to school. I’d pick up the catalog for Eastern Washington University and send off for a copy of my transcript. Then each time, I found out I was pregnant. College just didn’t seem to be a part of my future.

But a few weeks ago I decided to look into it again. I started with my old school, thinking that if I could swing one summer school session in Iowa, I could maybe finish up. The problem there is that my degree track was for a Bachelor of Music, and I left with my senior recital still to be completed. There’s no way I could make that up now. But other schools have opened Liberal Studies or non-majored programs for older adults — maybe Buena Vista College had, too.

So I’m in the process of finding out. The first thing I learned is that it’s no longer BVC - it’s Buena Vista University now, and in addition to programs on 6 campuses, they offer online classes. Yesterday I got an email from an admissions counselor saying she would go over my transcript, find out what options are available to me, and get back to me.

It’s a long shot, but maybe–just maybe–this will work out in a way I can afford.

Want a luxurious afterlife without the pesky details of good works and attending services**? Nate Davis and Edgar Kim can hook you up. One visit to Reserve A Spot In Heaven and $15.95 (plus $2 shipping) will get you instant access to paradise. To make the process even easier for you, they accept credit cards and money orders, as well as PayPal, so don’t hesitate. They even offer a 100% money back guarantee.

For that $15.95 you will receive the All Access Travel Kit which includes:

• Heavenly issued certificate of reservation registered in the Book of Light™
• A First class ticket to Heaven. Why walk those stairs when you can fly?
• The Official Heaven Identification Card so you can get around without getting hassled.
• Heaven 101 mini informational guide. Don’t be a victim of culture shock. Get acquainted with the land.
• All access VIP pass. This pass will grant you access to “VIP exclusive areas” including the Land of Milk and Honey and Thug Mansion, where all the elite get together and kick it.

No mention of whether this includes the Rapture Express.

As an alternative to, or in addition to, your booking, make reservations for someone else in Hell.

** Be sure to read the fine print.

One of the drugs I take makes me bleed very easily, even more so now that the dosage has been increased. This was a problem at my dental cleaning today.

My gums bled when the hygienist probed my teeth. She thought was odd because I had no tarter build up, so I told her it was just my meds. She picked up my chart and read down the list of my prescriptions.

“What are these for?”

Bipolar, I told her.

“Oh. Can’t you have your doctor reduce your dose so your gums don’t bleed?”

No.

“How about if you change drugs? That would help.”

No.

“Well, this is just … messy.”

I don’t think I’m going back again.

Lestat lives! For all of us who refused to give up hope after Blood Cantical and Anne Rice’s fervent conversion to Christianity, the reward for our faithfulness may be in sight. In a surprising reversal from her vow to only “write for the Lord,” Ms. Rice spoke with Time Magazine about returning to her literary roots with a new vampire novel.

While Rice justifies her decision by saying the book will have a definite Christian framework and a focus on the theme of redemption, she admits that the future chronicle will once again involve the character Lestat and a fictional organization known as the Talamaska that is responsible for investigating the supernatural. Much like the author herself, Lestat will be wrestling with the existence of God throughout the story. “I don’t see it as a violation of my promise, because I won’t be writing about vampires in the same way,” Rice maintains.

She’s committed to one more book in her Christ The Lord series first, but at 15 months a book, we should see the return of Lestat in under 3 years. I wonder what Rowan has been up to all this time ….

From Innovation Canada: The Science of Music

Innovation Canada: How does music affect the brain?

Daniel Levitin: There’s a particular part of the brain that responds to pleasurable things like winning a lot of money, taking cocaine, or having an orgasm. That’s been known for years, but with my colleague from Stanford Medical School, Vinod Menon, I found that the same region of the brain responds to pleasurable music. People tell you that they like music, but to actually see music activating this pleasure centre in a brain image was surprising. We like to think of it as the sex, drugs, and rock ‘n’ roll centre of the brain.

From JeffBridges.com:

While sitting at your desk, lift your right foot off the floor and make clockwise circles. Now, while doing this draw the number “6″ in the air with your right hand. Your fool will change direction and there’s nothing you can do about it.

I assume this is because both the right hand and the right foot are controlled by the left hemisphere of the brain and that it’s difficult, if not impossible, to split them. Although testing it, I can’t do it right foot/left hand, either. Ideas, anyone?

“I asked my 3-year-old daughter what would happen when she was a grown-up lady. The first thing she said was, “paint my nails.” I asked what else. “Get a box of tools.” That’s my girl!” –John Baichtal, Geek Dad