I called my doctor today. She gave me 3 weeks worth of Zyprexa, which she promised would slow down my mind and let me sleep. When I looked it up, the references said it’s used to treat mixed state and acute mania. I kinda suspected that’s where I’m at, but I wish she would have leveled with me.

Chances are this was triggered by my Zoloft because I started coming unraveled a couple of weeks after my last dosage increase. After I start sleeping again we’ll deal with that issue.

I’m trying very hard to remember that this is just a minor set back and that when my meds get straightened out my brain will settle down. It’s a brain disease that I’ll have back under control very soon. I haven’t failed.

One good thing about not sleeping is the amount of things I can get done, including things I usually stress over and avoid. Upgrading WordPress is like that. I’ve been test driving the 2.5 release candidates on my shadow site for a couple of weeks with no problems, so when the official stable release came out yesterday morning, I jumped right in with both my sites. I’ve done 2 more this morning, after being sensible and doing database backups first.

Under normal conditions I’m so afraid of screwing things up that I sit and stare at Filezilla for half an hour before I work up the nerve to drag and drop the first replacement directory. But this time I just hit the button and did it, knowing I had everything I needed to restore it to the old version if necessary. I wish I could have this level of confidence and still sleep.

2.5 is very different from 2.3, with a completely new interface. One nice feature is the one button plugin update, which worked satisfactorily when I tested it out with Akismet. Also, the upload/insert media function has been streamlined, and a media library keeps track of everything you’ve uploaded previously. The native tagging support, added in 2.3, is still there, though I haven’t played with it yet.

So far all the plugins I use seem to work, though I’ll be checking my error logs for a few days to make sure nothing is broken.

There’s a lot more here, but I haven’t explored everything yet. But so far I’m pleased with it. Anyone else upgraded yet? What do you think of it?

• 20 hours of sleep in the last 8 days, and still having plenty of energy
• Nightmares when you do manage to pass out
• Sleeping pills don’t really make you sleep, they just lock you into passed out nightmares you can’t wake from, so you don’t take them
• Feeling the overwhelming urge to get pierced. Anywhere. Now.
• Rum makes you even more hyper
• When WordPress 2.5 is released at 6 am central time, you’ve upgraded 2 sites by 5 am pacific time
• Having trouble following the precept to not send email or make phone calls when you’re out of kilter, so you write and delete the same note half a dozen times, then send it anyway and regret it 5 minutes later
• You avoid answering the email or return calls from caring friends because you’re too tired to pretend that everything is okay, yet desperately want them to tell you you still matter
• The littlest things hurt your feelings and leave you in tears that even you don’t understand

But the clearest sign:

• Feeling so unworthy that you don’t want to waste your doctor’s time with your petty symptoms.

I’m calling tomorrow. If I can just sleep again everything else will settle down.

Jeff Hess at Have Coffee Will Write posted something last night that touched me greatly and got me thinking. In a reference to a monk attempting self-immolation, he had this to say, “Was it frustration, anger or a brain illness? Is it just that not everyone has the will of the Buddha?”

Not “mental illness,” as I’m used to hearing and cringing from, but brain illness. When I commented and thanked him for it, he replied with this:

Shalom Terry,

You’re very welcome.

It seems to me that as we continue to expand our understanding of the function of the brain as an organ and not as some mystical container for the mind, it makes greater sense to speak of brain illness, just as we would heart or liver illness, than to speak of mental illness.

Enlarging upon the thought, would brain disease be more appropriate?

B’shalom,

Jeff

This was a complete mental shift for me. I’m still not at the point where saying “I have bipolar” rather than saying “I am bipolar” is automatic. I’ve internalized a lot of stigma and shame about BPD and I still blame myself for my symptoms, perhaps not inappropriately. But Jeff’s affirmation gives me a new perspective on my condition.

I answered:

Disease, to me, implies more of a chronic condition than illness does, which sounds as if it will pass or can be cured. Flu is an illness; diabetes is a disease. While some conditions can indeed be cured, for most it’s a case of keeping symptoms controlled and actively managing the disease to live a full, healthy life. Either term is a great improvement and goes a long way toward removing stigma from those living with brain diseases.

If we look at bipolar disorder as an organic brain disease rather than a character failing, it frees us to catalog our symptoms and pursue treatment without fear of condemnation. This is an important distinction, because the shame is bone deep. I am not defective. I have a disease that I actively seek to control. Under the best of circumstances, I am in control of my treatment, the same as a diabetic is.

This is a fine distinctive, but important, I think. I’m affected by my disease but not defined by it. I have a disease which is focused on my brain. I am a worthy human being. I am not a mistake. Support from allies like Jeff is important, both to those of us with brain diseases and those at large.

With that kind of support we can reach our potential. Words matter. Please stop and consider the impact of yours.

First, I want to apologize to everyone for not posting or answering comments this week. I just haven’t been able to summon up the energy to write. The short version is that I haven’t been sleeping, which messes me up big time and threatens to make me cycle, but with the help of drugs I’ve finally been getting a little rest this last 2 days. Once I get in the rhythm again, I should be able to sleep naturally. I hope.

Today Tony and I are off to Moscow, Idaho for Vandal Weekend, an orientation session for the University of Idaho. This is our first trip down there — he was so enthusiastic about their engineering program that he applied and accepted an offer without ever setting foot on campus. He’s really excited about this weekend. He’ll be meeting his adviser, registering for classes, signing up for housing and staying over 2 nights in the dorms. I’m looking forward to a campus tour, and 2 days of lounging at the Best Western. I can really use the mini-vacation right now. The hotel has interwebz, so I’ll be checking in occasionally.

See ya later.

If Ann Coulter had liveblogged the Gettysburg Address:

Old Abe is approaching the podium, looking even more like a badly-dressed and ill-proportioned scarecrow suffering from a depressive disorder than he usually does. I mean, if you’re going to be an empty suit, couldn’t you at least find a suit that fits?

And as usual, he’s not wearing an American flag lapel pin. Too good for it, I suppose. Probably thinks it’s tacky, and that “real patriotism” doesn’t have to be displayed. Typical intellectual arrogance.

Unfortunately, duty has required me to get a seat up close, so I’m likely to be able to hear his annoyingly high, faint voice.

Of course, it’s going to be hard to take anything he says seriously, since he’s obviously just angling for votes in Pennsylvania. Notice that he didn’t bother to give a speech at Antietam.

Okay, here we go. More “eloquence,” no doubt.

Four score and seven years ago
“Fourscore and seven”? Puh-leeze! Couldn’t you make it just a little more pompous? Only a moonbat could regard this guy as an orator.

There’s just no making some people happy.

KNBC Los Angeles:
Judge Wants Proper Service In Actor’s Penis, Mousetrap Lawsuit

The service in question is the delivery of notice of a lawsuit by a man who, as a radio show promotion with a supposed promise of a $10 million reward, put his penis in a mousetrap. He claims to be surprised that it went off, and is suing the radio station and the parties involved.

To add insult to injury, the misadventure was allegedly videotaped and circulated on the internet.

That’s gotta hurt.

Via Fark.

From Yahoo! Answers:

My girlfriend hasn’t had period since she got pregnant?
ok im kinda worried an all. my g/f hasn’t had her period she(sic) she got pregnant. do you think the baby is drinkin the blood??? shes 6 months pregnant.

Oh. My. God. I can only hope this is a troll question. Otherwise this guy has reproduced.

UPDATE: This question has since been deleted, probably due to all the attention it received on Reddit.

March has been a whirlwind. Just 3 weeks ago I decided to look into going back to school; two weeks ago I found out it was possible. One week ago I confirmed everything by phone, turned in my application and verbally signed up for classes. By the middle of next week I should have my New Student packet, with an account number for class registration and a campus email address.

Through all this I haven’t had time to process what it all means to me. When I sleep my dreams are filled with my life at 18, oddly twisted up with things from the present. I’m back on campus and everything is the same as it was 30 years ago, though I’m aware that much time has past. Familiar buildings, old friends, professors–I’m young, but with 3 grown children who are also in college. I’m lost in a place I should know. I don’t know who I am or how I got there. That pretty sums up the confusion I’m feeling right now.

In some ways, finishing up is an ending, the closing of a door I left ajar all those years ago. It’s completing a job unfinished. It’s tying up loose ends that dangle and still trip me decades later. I feel satisfaction at the idea of completing that milestone I skipped over before. At having it done.

Yet I’m daring to hope that this is also a beginning. If I can accomplish this, then maybe I can change my life in other ways, too. A degree could give me more options, like the possibility of getting a second BS in computer science or technical writing and having a career I can build on. It will be proof that BPD doesn’t define me; I can compete with “normal” people and hold my own. Maybe I’ll be able to look to my future with anticipation instead of the feeling that with my kids grown my life is basically over.

I don’t think a degree will change how those who care about me see me, but it’s going to affect how I see myself. A re-imagining, if you will, pushing back at the limits I’ve accepted all my adult life. Feeling “less than” and putting myself down are second nature to me. I hope this is going to be the first step toward more confidence in my intelligence and abilities, more comfort in putting myself forward. I had that once, but it has drained away over the years and I want to get it back. I want to feel worthy.

Am I overstating the significance of this? Perhaps. But I can’t escape the feeling that this is a turning point in my life. That’s exciting. But also frightening, too. What if they change their minds and don’t let me in? What if I can’t do it? What if this is my last chance and in the end, it changes nothing? It feels like a huge risk.

It would have been easier if the school had come back and said it would take a couple of years for me to finish, or that they couldn’t help me at all. That would have given me an excuse to stay right where I am. But that’s not how it happened, and Fate called my bluff. It’s time for me to step up and step out and take a chance on myself.

So that’s what I’m doing.

Over the course of the next 9 months you’re going to be hearing a lot about my progress, and how I’m adapting to the new vision of myself. It will probably get boring, but hopefully I eventually won’t feel the need to process all my thoughts and feelings here. Until then, thanks for coming along for the ride.

No access to a tv during March Madness? No problem. You can now watch every game live on your computer. During the day I don’t let myself turn on the tv or else I’d never get anything done, but this I can run in the background and sneak peeks as needed. I assume they must be doing some time shifting to handle games in 4 regions, but I haven’t seen a schedule for that yet.

To watch all you have to do is complete a free registration. Broadcast begins this afternoon with Selection Sunday. I know what I’ll be doing at 3:00 Pacific Time. How about you?