March has been a whirlwind. Just 3 weeks ago I decided to look into going back to school; two weeks ago I found out it was possible. One week ago I confirmed everything by phone, turned in my application and verbally signed up for classes. By the middle of next week I should have my New Student packet, with an account number for class registration and a campus email address.

Through all this I haven’t had time to process what it all means to me. When I sleep my dreams are filled with my life at 18, oddly twisted up with things from the present. I’m back on campus and everything is the same as it was 30 years ago, though I’m aware that much time has past. Familiar buildings, old friends, professors–I’m young, but with 3 grown children who are also in college. I’m lost in a place I should know. I don’t know who I am or how I got there. That pretty sums up the confusion I’m feeling right now.

In some ways, finishing up is an ending, the closing of a door I left ajar all those years ago. It’s completing a job unfinished. It’s tying up loose ends that dangle and still trip me decades later. I feel satisfaction at the idea of completing that milestone I skipped over before. At having it done.

Yet I’m daring to hope that this is also a beginning. If I can accomplish this, then maybe I can change my life in other ways, too. A degree could give me more options, like the possibility of getting a second BS in computer science or technical writing and having a career I can build on. It will be proof that BPD doesn’t define me; I can compete with “normal” people and hold my own. Maybe I’ll be able to look to my future with anticipation instead of the feeling that with my kids grown my life is basically over.

I don’t think a degree will change how those who care about me see me, but it’s going to affect how I see myself. A re-imagining, if you will, pushing back at the limits I’ve accepted all my adult life. Feeling “less than” and putting myself down are second nature to me. I hope this is going to be the first step toward more confidence in my intelligence and abilities, more comfort in putting myself forward. I had that once, but it has drained away over the years and I want to get it back. I want to feel worthy.

Am I overstating the significance of this? Perhaps. But I can’t escape the feeling that this is a turning point in my life. That’s exciting. But also frightening, too. What if they change their minds and don’t let me in? What if I can’t do it? What if this is my last chance and in the end, it changes nothing? It feels like a huge risk.

It would have been easier if the school had come back and said it would take a couple of years for me to finish, or that they couldn’t help me at all. That would have given me an excuse to stay right where I am. But that’s not how it happened, and Fate called my bluff. It’s time for me to step up and step out and take a chance on myself.

So that’s what I’m doing.

Over the course of the next 9 months you’re going to be hearing a lot about my progress, and how I’m adapting to the new vision of myself. It will probably get boring, but hopefully I eventually won’t feel the need to process all my thoughts and feelings here. Until then, thanks for coming along for the ride.