Since I wasn’t doing great (taking myself off my drugs wasn’t the best idea I’ve ever had), I called my doctor yesterday. “Not doing great” is a bit of an understatement - by the time she called me back at 7 pm I was in a full-blown anxiety attack. I guess it’s good that she talked to me at my worst because she leaped into action quickly, telling me to take a double dose of Ativan. I told her about the horrible weight gain on Zoloft, even though it worked better than anything I’ve ever taken, and to my relief she didn’t insist I go back on it. Instead, we went over the short list of the things I haven’t tried.

Believe it or not, I’ve never taken the stereotypical anti-anxiety/antidepressant drug that brought meds into the mainstream. Prozac. That’s because with BPD it either works like a dream or else it makes you manic and suicidal. But the upside is that it doesn’t cause weight gain, so I’m willing to try it.

If I stop sleeping I’m to call immediately, after just 2 nights. If the panic attacks get worse, call right away. If I get flashes of suicidal ideation, again, drop what I’m doing and call immediately. Even if it’s the middle of the night.

I probably should stop here and explain. Suicidal ideation is kind of a “what if” thought. What if I smashed the car into that tree? What if I swallowed this whole bottle of pills? What if I just disappeared? It’s different from a suicidal impulse, because there’s little or no urge to act on it. It’s just a thought out of nowhere, popping into your head. If it becomes noticeable on Prozac, it’s a big red flag and must be taken seriously.

So I started on a step-up dose of Prozac today, and I go in to see her next Monday. Fingers crossed that this goes well. I really want to be in top shape for school starting in 2 weeks.