In a valiant effort to be less obsessive, I’m letting a 93% on this week’s homework stand. I missed one question, and when I saw what a simple error I made I was angry at myself. If I’d just read the question better, I would have had a perfect score.

I could retake the assignment, but the whole thing is only worth 10 points, out of 120 possible a week. I lose less than 1 point by not redoing it, or 0.583% of this week’s grade. But leaving it less than perfect has me twitching. It would only take me an hour to do it again ….

An hour I could spend cleaning, reading, or talking to my kids. Or catching up on the paying work that I’ve let slide this week to pour you-don’t-want-to-know-how-many hours into studying. I could even just sit. There’s a lot I haven’t done in the 4 weeks since this class started.

So I’m going to accept that just this once good enough will be good enough.

But it’s not easy.

UPDATE:
It’s a lot easier to accept that 93 now that I got 100 on my test.

As I struggled with sampling distributions and margin of error, an email arrived offering to sell me a degree, no questions asked.

Ask me again in a couple more hours.

I took a step toward positive self-esteem this weekend. I bought clothes that fit. Since the failed Zoloft experiment and quitting smoking, I’ve felt horrible about myself, as I’ve expressed here. It’s going to take 3-4 months, maybe more, for the drug weight to come off, so I decided that in the meantime I don’t want to beat myself up because my old things don’t fit. So I bought some a size bigger.

I don’t think of it as giving up. It’s more a matter of being comfortable in my skin until my metabolism straightens out, particularly since I have a conference coming up that I’ve looked forward to for months, and a trip back home that will require all the self-confidence I can muster. For the first time in a long time I looked in the mirror this morning and actually thought, “Wow, I look good.” Not thin by any means, but I think I look nice.

This is such a huge step for me. I know there are people out there who would say that at this weight I don’t deserve to feel good about myself, but I’m trying to ignore that. I know that I’ve got to have a healthy attitude before I can make changes, so I’m starting with this.

The rest will come with time.

As you’ve no doubt noticed, blogging is light these days. School is taking every last drop of spare energy I have, and I’ve got nothing left over to comment on anything other than my own state of mind. That gets boring for everyone after awhile.

I’ve attacked school with the same fanaticism I tend to bring to everything. I’m doing well - 98% after 3 of 8 weeks - but that’s not good enough. I push myself for perfect scores and beat myself up for failure. Failure — what a way to describe 98%, huh. But that’s the way it feels.

I start each week in a panic after the first read-through of the material, not having a clue how I’m going to learn it all in 5 days. I do my first attempt at the online homework under a cloud of doom, only to be surprised that it’s not as hard as I thought it would be. After 2 times through that to get my perfect score it’s time for the test on Saturday, which I also approach with dread. But again, it’s usually not as hard as I anticipate. Exhausted, I take Sunday off, then start the process over on Monday.

This week I’m behind because I took Memorial Day off, too. As of this morning I’ve only been through 2 sections of chapter 6, and I have to get through the end of chapter 7 by Friday. I’m overwhelmed, which is why I’m procrastinating by writing this.

The pressure is starting to get to me, but so far I’m not scratching. My hands are mostly healed up and I want to keep them that way.

I’m so glad I’m taking Term 6 off. There’s no way I could do this and still do my writers’ conference, let alone a trip to Iowa.

Now, back to the grindstone ….

Dick Martin has died at the age of 86. In his honor, enjoy these Laugh In quickies.

Perfect for test day. Since I struggle with Excel, this is how I do my math - I don’t pull out what I learned in calculus (*zip*), but I do derive almost all my formulas. I don’t use a TI-83, though. I do them with paper and pencil.

Enjoy!

I’ve talked before about my unease with the word vajayjay. But it’s not just women’s phrases that bother me. One I’ve been hearing lately drives me nuts and makes me sad at the same time - boys/men referring to their genitals as their “junk.” It seems to be particularly popular among the high school crowd, as well as in hip hop circles. I really hate that.

I know it’s just a euphemism, one of hundreds out there. But Junk is trash, garbage, something to be discarded. I know they’re not thinking literally, but that connotation really bothers me, particularly from the young. Our bodies and sexuality are beautiful, and worthy of respect. Men’s bodies are not junk.

You don’t have to say penis. Pick the word of your choice, and I’m cool with it. It’s your body - you name it.

But please, no junk.

Before there was House and Black Adder, there was A Bit of Fry and Laurie. Check out the man behind the shades.

This little ditty is just as appropriate now as it was 20 years ago. Language NSFW.

Clinton stuck her foot in it good again today. In an interview with the editorial board of the Sioux Falls Argus Leader, when asked why she was not withdrawing from the race, she had this to say:

“My husband did not wrap up the nomination in 1992 until he won the California primary somewhere in the middle of June, right? We all remember Bobby Kennedy was assassinated in June in California. I don’t understand it,” she said.

Say what?

Not too long afterwards, she apologized. But not for implying that she is sticking around because someone might assassinate Barack Obama, with the specter of two centuries of lynching it calls up. Or because her words could be taken to mean that if someone wants her to win the nomination, s/he should pull out a gun. Nope. Not for those things.

What was she sorry for?

“I regret if my referencing of that moment of trauma for our entire country and particularly the Kennedy family was in any way offensive. I had no intention of that whatsoever,” she said.

She’s apologizing because she might have hurt the Kennedys’ feelings.

Not because she might have fed the mob mentality of racists, or implied that she would profit by it.

Try it again, Hillary. And try to sound sincere this time.

365 days ago I woke up in the morning and decided I wouldn’t smoke that day. I didn’t. Or the next. Or the day after that. Today I’ve been tobacco-free for one year. It was hard. I didn’t get bitchy, but I did cry a lot when the cravings got bad and I felt weak. But I didn’t smoke.

I had anxiety attacks for the first month, maybe two. That time was so bad it’s hard to remember now. I took a lot of Ativan and paced countless miles. I gained 20 lbs. But I didn’t smoke.

A big part of that process was writing about it here, recording the daily progress and battle. The support from all of you made a huge difference. After committing publicly I refused to fail and let my friends down. That need was stronger than the hold of the nicotine.

I still don’t think of myself as a non-smoker - that hasn’t written itself into my self concept yet. That will probably take awhile longer. After all, it’s only been one year. But it’s the first year of many and I’m not going back to that addiction.

I won.