Prozac shuffle update
My visit with the doctor yesterday went ok. Hard as it was, I was honest and leveled with her about the symptoms I’m still having, and even showed her my arms. That was really tough - I have a lot of shame issues surrounding the scratching, and while my old doctor knew, this is the first time I’ve told this doc about it. Even as I struggle with it, I’ve always bought into the idea that self-harm is just a selfish bid for attention, a childish acting out, and I’m ashamed of it, ashamed of myself for doing it, feeling like I should be able to just decide to not do it anymore and have it go away. If only it were that easy.
I just wish the dr hadn’t looked so shocked and disturbed. I wanted to hide, not talk about it after that.
So the new plan of attack - increase the Prozac to 40 mg and hope that takes away the general nervousness that makes me scratch. If it hasn’t gone away by next Monday I’m to increase the dosage of my Geodon, the drug I worked so hard to cut back on, up to my previous level. If all that fails, we try a different drug. I go in to see her again in 3 weeks.
I get the feeling she’s running out of ideas of what to do with me. I feel a lot of pressure to say I’m doing better when I’m really not because of that. I have a real terror of being hospitalized against my will, and not responding to treatment scares me for that reason, enough to make me lie about it. So I walk a tightrope of what I can say.
It’s ironic that I spill it all here, huh.
I honestly don’t know what I’d do without this outlet. With a thin veil of anonymity I can talk about the things that are forbidden. In a way, I think that helps me cope.
Thank you all for listening, and caring.
May 13th, 2008 at 3:59 pm
One of the things I love about asynchronous communication is that you can consider and moderate your message. I don’t have a lot of personal experience with self-harm, and I’m sure I’d find the visual effect somewhat shocking at first: we’re programmed to respond quickly to visual stimuli, when we get them. But here I can skip over the “first impression” and get to the point.
Which is that you’re doing the right thing being honest, and if the doctor can’t handle it, there are others. And there’s lots of pressure to be normal — even for those of us currently off meds — but the doctors’ office is not the place for those issues.
May 14th, 2008 at 4:41 am
Let me echo Ahistoricality’s comment. I certainly hope that the upped dosage works for you and that’s all you need. But honesty with your doctor is essential, and if this doctor is “running out of ideas,” well, there are other doctors.
You *are* doing what’s best for you in being open and honest!
May 14th, 2008 at 7:28 pm
They’re pretty ugly, A, and make me very self-conscious. I don’t blame anyone for being put off by them - I would on someone else, I’m sure. I guess I just hoped for better from her. Maybe next time we can talk about it.
May 15th, 2008 at 9:51 am
Thanks, Steve. I may reach a point where I need to look for a different doctor, and I’m open to that possibility. A lot of the problem is that I don’t have any trust built up for this one, and that’s a bad situation. But I have to keep trying.
May 17th, 2008 at 10:33 am
I think Ahistoricality’s comment is spot-on. I hope the increased dosage helps.
May 27th, 2008 at 6:26 am
I finally stopped. Effexor 75XR and Prozac 20. Used rubber bands on the wrists for less than a week. Doctor decided I was still depressed (they’re right, I know I am, and not just a little) and increased Prozac to 40. Obsessing on getting items ‘in order’, racing thoughts, but no desire to ‘pick at anything’ (usually arms, used to be legs, but just about everyplace and everything was picked at some point or other including tongue).
What finally stopped it….read “Brain Lock” (i think it was) about 4 steps to stopping. That, with the rubber bands, put me on the ‘has to stop ‘ road. Now, I see the marks and wish I had stopped sooner, but it is how it is. Hopefully they will fade in time.
May 27th, 2008 at 7:16 pm
That’s such wonderful news, Tracy. It gives me hope. My hands are almost healed up right now and I’d like to be able to keep them that way. The itch that drives me is so strong, though. I hope it doesn’t come back.
I looked Brain Lock up on Amazon and it looks great. I’ll see if my library has it.