… you sit up in bed at 3 am trying to figure out if your breathing pattern is a sine wave or a cosine. And it makes perfect sense even when you’re awake.

I’m hopeless.

What’s your oddest not-quite-coherent thought?

Stopping my Geodon wasn’t a good idea. Four days off it and I’m crashing. Big time. I broke down and had to take it this afternoon.

I hate needing this stuff. I don’t want to take them anymore.

To level myself, I’m sitting outside in my rocking chair, with my laptop, decaf coffee, and Death Angel, by Linda Howard. I’m trying to recreate the serenity of my week in North Carolina, and it’s helping some. I won’t go inside until the kids come home from work and need to be fed. I can work from right here on the patio. Maybe I’ll spend the rest of the summer here.

I really hate Sundays. That’s the day I spread my bottles of meds out on the dining room table and fill my pill case for the coming week. Geodon, the anti-psychotic, Lamicital, the mood stabilizer, and Prozac, the anti-anxiety and anti-depressant drug, all go into the little compartments to be measured out morning and night for the next 7 days. I count my Ativan (for panic), and see how much amitriptyline (for insomnia and nightmares) I have. Prescriptions that need to be filled are turned upside down by the phone, to be called into the pharmacy before I put everything away.

I hate it. I hate all of them. I want to throw them all away and live my life like normal people do, without having my brain rebooted twice a day. A good friend constantly reminds me that my health isn’t a matter of will power, but it feels that way to me. If I were a better, stronger person, I wouldn’t have to take them. If I didn’t have to take them, and worry about the expense of them, I’d have more control over my life. I want to get off of them, at least some of them.

The temptation is particularly strong when I come off a week like I had when I was on my trip. No panic attacks, only 1 nightmare, zero anxiety. I was completely relaxed. I felt normal. At times like that it’s easy to believe that I don’t need the meds anymore. I’m rrealistic enough to know that just stopping them all at once isn’t a good idea. It would throw me into withdrawal. But weaning myself off them slowly …. maybe I can do that.

So that’s what I’m going to do, starting with the Geodon. I wasn’t able to do it successfully last time, but I’m better now than I was. If that goes ok, which I think it will, I’ll tell my doctor then try to cut back the Lamictal. The worst that can happen is that I have to take the dosages back up to where they are now. So what’s to lose?

If all goes as planned, next week 7 fewer pills will go into that case.

Decades after the recognition of civil rights irrespective of race, religion and gender, the United Nations has come out with a compact affirming the right of those of varying ability to be included in society and to control their own destiny.

On May 3, 2008 the Convention on the Rights of Persons with Disabilities went into effect with the Ecuador as the 20th signatory. Among other things, it guarantees:

1. Respect for inherent dignity, individual autonomy including the freedom to make one’s own choices, and independence of persons;
2. Non-discrimination;
3. Full and effective participation and inclusion in society;
4. Respect for difference and acceptance of persons with disabilities as part of human diversity and humanity;
5. Equality of opportunity;
6. Accessibility;
7. Equality between men and women;
8. Respect for the evolving capacities of children with disabilities and respect for the right of children with disabilities to preserve their identities.

Really radical stuff, huh, insisting that the disabled are also entitled to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness, just like everyone else. It’s about damn time.

It’s interesting to note that neither the United States nor the United Kingdom have signed onto the compact. I want to know why.

As of January 2008 there were approximately 155,583,825 sites on the internet. That’s roughly 1 for every 42 people on earth.

Any guesses on how many of those are porn? Contrary to what your mother says, not nearly as many as you might think. Most studies estimate the rate at less than 1%.

I’d guess there’s at least that many blogs. Interesting.

It’s been a good summer so far.

• Happy thing: The best writers’ workshop I’ve ever attended
• Happy thing: great reviews from peers on my current manuscript
• Happy thing: “excellent dialogue” comment from writing instructor
• Happy thing: making plans to go back next year for 2 weeks
• Happy thing: chocolate velvet decaf coffee
• Not-so-happy thing: fighting to stay awake after drinking decaf coffee
• Happy thing: teaching Meredith to drive a straight stick - she’s doing great!
• Happy thing: no scratching during my trip
• Not-so-happy thing: the urge has returned big time since I came home - scabs on my hands again
• Happy thing: getting caught up on work after being away
• Not-so-happy thing: only 5 weeks left at home for Tony; 6 weeks for Meredith
• Happy thing: I can read with my new glasses
• Happy thing: new James Lee Burke book
• Happy thing: quick and easy upgrade to WordPress 2.6

see famous look-a-like faces

From the folks who brought you I Can Has Cheezburger.

I interrupt this regularly scheduled vacation to tell you all that …

I GOT AN A IN STATS!

I guess everyone else must have had trouble with the final, too. At least it doesn’t seem to have counted against me much. Time to make a drink and celebrate! For the span of 2 months, until the next class, I’ll have a GPA of 4.00.