“You should try … “

Know someone with a chronic illness or disability? Here’s what not to do.

From amandaw @ Feministe:

Often, when someone learns that another person lives with some sort of medical condition, slight or severe, their first reaction is to suggest to that person some way they could make their condition better.

On behalf of all those persons, let me say: Stop.

Think.

That person has had that condition for months, years, or even their entire lifetime. You, on the other hand, have possibly heard of that condition — and possibly not! — and certainly have no experience living with it. Maybe you know someone else who has it, and maybe that’s a person you actually know fairly well (but that is a very small minority out of those who make these comments).

Which of these two people, do you think, knows a broader range of treatment options for said condition?

Don’t you think that person has already tried more treatment options than you even know exist?

And don’t you think, therefore, that such a suggestion is a bit of an insult to this person, who has, more than likely, struggled and fought with their condition for years already?

Living with Bipolar Disorder, I’ve heard the spectrum, pushing everything from SAM-E, melatonin and herbs to chiropractic adjustment. But my own personal advice favorite: turn your life over to our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ and be healed.

I even get this from my general practitioner’s nurse.

Don’t be that person. If I want suggestions, I’ll ask for them. Please. I understand that you’re uncomfortable when confronted with a disability, but consider who your advice is intended to help – you, or the focus of your attention. It’s not my job to reassure you that if you do things right you won’t end up like me, because that really is the gist of this kind of “help,” implying that somehow I’ve brought it on myself by not a) exercising b) praying c) thinking positive thoughts d) insert your direction of choice here. I don’t have to justify myself and my treatment to you.

If you’ve heard something that truly excites you and if you’re more than a casual acquaintance, it’s still important to phrase your information, if you must say anything, as “have you heard about X?” rather than “You should try X” or worst of all, “Why haven’t you tried X?” If I don’t want to discuss it, let it go.

I have interests that have nothing to do with my disorder. Let’s talk about that instead.

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