In written form, I consider myself a decent communicator. Close up, one to one? Not so much. There’s no delete key on spoken conversation, and I don’t get hours to formulate the perfect reply. When I’m spontaneous I usually embarrass myself. The things that pop instantly to mind are often not socially acceptable, and make sense only if you’re familiar with the half hour of silent dialog in my head that lead up to that comment. I think it makes it easy for people to write me off as a) eccentric or b) crazy. It’s the b) that I’m worried about.

So I stick to myself a lot. My family and friends are pretty good at blowing off the unexpected, or asking me about the logic that got me to what I just said, but that’s too much work for a casual acquaintance. The worst is when people feel they need to explain me, like why sometimes I need to get up and go outside and walk for awhile, or why I scratch when I get nervous. It hurts me that they feel they have to do this, and it hurts them to be embarrassed by me. It’s easier to just stay inside and live in my head rather than put us all through that.

That’s one thing I miss about smoking. It was always a good excuse to get away from a crowded room and step outside into the quiet for awhile. No one expects scintillating conversation over the ashtray. It’s just a bunch of solitary people who happen to be standing together. I can handle that. I need to be around people who aren’t focused on me, where I don’t feel any pressure to participate.

I think I need better social armor. I feel too raw in public. I’ve been isolated long enough that I’ve forgotten how “normal” people do things, the little routines and rituals that make up casual interaction and small talk. But the longer I stay inside my house, the harder it gets to leave.

But I’m starting to change that. I had a wonderful experience this summer at a large writers’ conference. I only had to leave a class once to walk, and I made dinner table conversation with strangers 3 times a day. I had strong urges to head for the ashtray, but thanks to a mostly non-smoking crowd, I resisted them. It worked because it was all pretty low pressure and no one seemed to have any expectations of me. By the end of the week, I knew over a dozen people by name.

So now I need to keep this going. My science class starts on Monday, and it’s is going to take every free minute I’ve got for awhile. Last term that kept me locked in the house with the excuse that I was too busy to go out. But this time I’m going to do things differently. Twice a week I’m going to take the time I have dedicated to study and visit my favorite coffee shop to read quietly in public and be friendly to anyone who stops to say hi. I know this doesn’t sound like much to most people, but it’s huge for me. I know the owner, but not so well enough that she’ll feel the need to explain me. That’s freeing.

I hope I can develop some tougher skin this way and get to the point where I can casually hang out with people I don’t know and have a good time. This summer was a successful start on that. I can do it with writers; now I need to learn to do it with “normal people.”

This is going to be good for me.