Sep 24


If not on top of the world, at least on the upward slope

by Terry 24 September 2008


I got a comment the other day that really made me think. From the very perceptive CG Hill: By now you should be doing well enough to put a serious dent in the “What am I doing?” fearfulness that seemed to be hovering over your shoulder when you got back into the swing of things.

He’s right. I’ve operated from a position of fearfulness for a long time, and thanks to the budding confidence that comes from success in school, I’m starting to grow beyond it. Every assignment I complete, every A I get tells me tells me I’m intelligent and capable, not worn out and obsolete.

With the design phase of my job finished, most of my work anymore amounts to data entry. Sure, I handle a few emergencies when they come up, like a server security change that wipes out access to half my web apps, or someone implodes his email, but there’s nothing I do that a 21-year-old kid just out of ITT Tech couldn’t do faster, and probably better. It’s pretty hard on my self-image.

But school has shown me I can and do learn new things. I can not only keep up with kids half my age, I can excel. I’ve started looking forward to my tests instead of dreading them. Seeing that A pop up on the screen after I hit SUBMIT is my reward for my hard work. Then I get to report it here, and bask in the praise of my supportive friends. I feel proud of myself for the first time in years.

It’s carried over to things unconnected to school, too. I’m doing things I never thought possible. I’ve been out of my house every single day for the last 3 weeks, and I talk to people when I am. I chat with the barista while she makes my latte, and I visit with the postal clerk who sells me a book of stamps. I stand outside and make small talk with the neighbor when I get back from the grocery store. Little things to someone else, but huge to me.

But the biggest change is the way I view myself. I go the entire day without telling myself I’m stupid, and can often–not every time, but often–walk past a mirror without tearing myself apart over my age and my weight. Last week when a friend greeted me by telling me how horrible I look, I was able to blow it off and change the subject with only a minimal amount of hurt. By proving my mind, my body doesn’t matter quite so much. There’s more to me than that.

I’m starting to like who I am. It feels good.

Tagged: >

5 Comments

5 Responses to “If not on top of the world, at least on the upward slope”

  1. Ahistoricality on September 24th, 2008 12:58 pm

    Excellent!

    there’s nothing I do that a 21-year-old kid just out of ITT Tech couldn’t do faster, and probably better.

    I really doubt this. First, someone who understands the history of the technology will have a better chance of diagnosing problems and understanding the roots of what’s going one. Second, and this is purely anecdotal experience, younger IT people are great for routine stuff and for flashy add-ons, but for real problem-solving they almost always seem to need their older colleagues/supervisors.  (Quote)

  2. Jeff Hess on September 25th, 2008 4:05 am

    Shalom Terry,

    As I told Sherry last week, wisdom and guile beats youth and speed every time.

    Your classmates fear you. Enjoy the feeling.

    B’shalom,

    Jeff  (Quote)

  3. Have Coffee Will Write » Blog Archive » MY COMMENTS… on September 25th, 2008 4:10 am
  4. Bluegrass Poet on September 26th, 2008 10:16 am

    Oh Terry, oh Terry, I celebrate where you are! I mourn for where you were! And I look forward to seeing how far you’re going to go from here!

    And I agree with Jeff and Ahistorically. Just because our jobs seem easy to us old hands, that doesn’t mean a youngster could do them.  (Quote)

  5. Ahistoricality on September 27th, 2008 3:57 pm

    wisdom and guile beats youth and speed every time.

    My father’s version is “Old Age and Treachery beats Youth and Skill every time.”  (Quote)

Leave a Reply

Terry likes gravitars to personalize comments. Don't have one? Make one at gravatar.com!